I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
