I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize