You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
