i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
