I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
