And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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