Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you would pick up someone in the library
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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