By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
