my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
