he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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