if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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