He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
