remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
