woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
