you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
