can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
