His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
