Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She bit a glass in half.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
