I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
