Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize