I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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