when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
