Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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