ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
