You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize