but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize