yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
