70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
