Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
