when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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