Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She even gives head with a lisp.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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