Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
