This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
