My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
