my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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