Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
