i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
