Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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