the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
