After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
