You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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