yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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