She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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