Betty ford says i'm here all night
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
