a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
handjob tips. give me some.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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