I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
