There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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