There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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