I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
