sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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