Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
