I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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