sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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