You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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