So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
