I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
