Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i believe in u and ur pee
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
