Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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