I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
