finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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