party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
