my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
