He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
